Olympics Lost: The Archived Headlines

October 2, 2009

millenium park

My friend Steve and I have been doing this all morning—coming up with headlines for Chicago’s having lost the Olympic bid. Do feel free to add some.

Me: IOC Says “Yo Mama, Obama”; Kicks U.S. Off the Playground

Steve: Chicago was the Bronze Medal Winner for the Olympics

Me: Chicago Chokes on the Dismount

Me: Windy City Blows Bid

Steve: Oprah Kissed a Girl and She Liked It

Me: City of Broad Shoulders Packs a Tiny Punch

Steve: City of Slumped Shoulders

Me: IOC Declares Chicago Not My Kind of Town

Me: Chi Just Shy

Steve: I heard Obama is in front of the IOC’s Presidents house with a boombox over his head

Me: Second City Loses Its Place in Line

Me: Daley Loses Rings, Points an Angry Finger

Steve: Portillo’s Offers Gold Medal Onion Rings to Stem the Tide of Weepy Fatties

Me: Gold Coast Changes Name to Bronze Coast


Me: Olympics Schmylipics

Me: Chicago Reminded of Second Status Daley

Me: Chicago Loses Brass Ring, Silver, and Gold

Me: Chicago Regrets Showing IOC Bronzeville

Steve: Daley Vows to Spend the Money Anyway

Steve: Chicago also Loses Bid to host Special Olympics that committee picks someplace with less sharp edges

Me: Bean Gives IOC Gas

Me: Deep Dish, Shallow Grave

Me: Deep Dish, No Side of Rings

Steve: IOC Tells Chicago ‘It’s Not You; It’s Me’

Me: Chicago Shows Up in Same Dress as Rio; Rio Totally Looks Better in It

Steve: Chicago forgot Spanx.

Steve: Chicago Drunk Dials Ex Boyfriend to Get Over Loss

Me: Chicago Left a Bitter Bidder

Me: Chicago’s Hopes Drown in Olympic-Sized Pool

Me: Chicago Just Talkin’ Bout Shaft

Steve: Chicago Spotted With Pint of Ben and Jerry’s Muttering About That “Slut” Rio

Steve: IOC Confident It Can Explain What Rio Has That Chicago Don’t

Me: Chicago To Be Played By Molly Ringwald in Quirky New Relationship Drama

Me: Chicago’s Torch Song Turns Swan Song

Me: Chicago: Bored of the Rings

Me: Rio Rocks Out to Heavy Medal

Steve: Determined to Make the Olympics Jealous, Chicago Starts Dating the World Cup

3 Responses to “Olympics Lost: The Archived Headlines”

  1. Jake said

    Chicago, looking to rekindle old flames, looks up World Fair on Facebook.

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