Not ‘Til a Hot January

October 21, 2009

Defiant Angels 2003

You know what I find ridiculously irritating? Or possibly just remarkably silly, depending on my mood? People who think they’re hitting on you when they say something like, “Hey cutie. Why are you single?”

Okay, 1.) Gross. You are not smooth, nor are you complimenting me; this is a generic line uttered by wanna-be Backstreet Boys and/or people who think singledom is a crime against happiness or normalcy, and I don’t know which is more laughable. 2.) Who says I’m single, just because I’m available? Your world must be very small. And 3.) Have you given any thought to what an answer to this question might be like, should the girl actually respond to this and have the good sense to not glaze over the asinine question as if she hadn’t heard it? There are no honest answers to this question that you want to hear, mate.

“Hey cutie. Why are you single?”

“Because my vagina is covered in gaping, oozing sores.”

“Because I have more baggage than a debutante with a credit card.”

“Because I vomited on the last person who asked me that.”

“Because I enjoy it.”

“Because all of my boyfriends wind up dead.”

“Because, silly me—having a boyfriend is not at the top of my priority list. Scurry along.”

“Because everyone leaves me.”   ::uncontrollable weeping::

“Because I have a brain and a busy schedule, ass.”

“Because I enjoy sex with multiple people, none of them you.”

“Because I have 12 children, all with Oedipus complexes.”

“Because my career is more important than your adorable attempts at humping my leg will ever be.”

“Because I have no interest in indulging a half-assed pickup line ever again.”

“Because I don’t like being disappointed.”

“Because I only just got out of prison/the psych ward/the nunnery/a Ponzi scheme/a Texas cult.”

or simply,

“I’m sorry; go away.”

Any of those are far more likely to be the case, rather than getting a response you actually want, if the woman is being honest with you. For the special lady who can stomach replying with something like, “I’ve been waiting for a big man like you,”—wow. You and Backstreet Boy deserve one another. Go get married, be happy, and please sterilize.

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