From the Desk of the Unhip

November 24, 2009

God help me, curiosity often gets the better of me when there is much hype about something or the other. I heard about Adam Lambert on the AMAs being a sex god, and for lack of anything at all better to do on my lunch break, I meandered over to YouTube to check it out.

Is it just me, or could that whole segment (they might have already taken it down by the time you read this) have been a scene out of a Christopher Guest movie? It was absolutely so over-the-top ridiculous, to the point of hysterical comedy. I felt like I was watching Adam Lambert do a parody of himself. Think Rex Manning attempting to impersonate a post-meltdown MTV comeback Britney. Shoving his crotch in the faces (which looked strained and uncomfortable) of a stage full of confused, writhing sex-slaves who wait for him limply only to start flopping around spasmodically at his clumsy, overly pushy attention. And dressed like KD Lang wandered onto the set of Lost Boys.

The dancing really wasn’t confident; rather, it seemed forceful due to overcompensating for lack of rhythmic talent. I assume they did this in front of a giant flashing background to create a sense of shock and awe that distracts the audience from what’s going on in the foreground. The vocals should have been lip-synched, since so much breath seems to have been taken out of the man during moves he learned in (I assume) An Idiot’s Guide to Dominance. The mauling, er, kiss at the top of the set looked like he intended to punch the guy with his mouth. Etiquette, please. And the song itself was almost certainly written by music execs pandering to the illiterates of the dance generation. Or if it was written by him, it was with them whispering it into his ear.

Additionally—from someone who’s known her fair share of dominants—I can confidently opine that this man is clearly otherwise on the M end of the S&M, which I assume is why this is uncomfortable to watch for the trained eye. And I should know; we can smell our own.

In sum, can someone please call Madonna up to the stage to show this boy what he’s doing?

And, you know, for my money, Brett Michaels getting dropped like a sack of potatoes will forever be the hands-down best awards show clip out there. It doesn’t actually get any better than that.


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