‘Tis the season to be creepy, fa la la la la, la tragedy

December 16, 2009

I’m not entirely sure what it is about Christmastime that brings out the morbid and horrible, but it never fails to splash about all over our radios every year. Macabre stories under thinly veiled, seemingly cheerful lyrics, and underlined by an eerily jolly melody. Is anyone else appalled by the tragic nature of our festive December tuneage? Or perhaps not entirely surprised by it, for the more cynical?

Baby It’s Cold Outside– Now, I’m not the first to classify this as a date rape song—not by far. But it certainly bears noting. I should also point out that the Ray Charles version of this is one of my favorite Christmas ditties  because I grew up with it (aside from the weird parts where he’s telling her how nice her eyes or hair look. How would Ray know? Clearly he’s been tipped off somehow, which makes me think it’s all so pre-meditated.) She certainly is struggling with this man, and even disturbingly asks, “Say, what’s in this drink?” at some point.  And most date-rape happens between people who know one another. Yeah. She’s toast. Horrible.

‘Zat You, Santa Claus– The unmistakable ramblings of a paranoid schizophrenic who can’t shake the idea that Santa is constantly watching him. Sound like a horror film? You bet.

All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth– Child abuse. This poor boy only wants his front teeth back, and he kinda wishes he hadn’t written asking Santa for another daddy at this point…

I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas– Blatant greed. You want a golden goose, too, Veruca?

Blue Christmas- Erectile dysfunction.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus– Adultery.

Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer– Need I say more? Alcoholism, a deadly road accident. The heartbreak, and the humanity.

Do You Hear What I Hear- Deafness, blindness, and someone who feels completely comfortable lying to the deaf and blind. Monstrous behavior.

Frosty the Snowman– Complete disregard for the law, and rogue troublemaking. Not as disturbing as some of the other songs, but misdemeanors are crimes too, for crying out loud.

Do They Know It’s Christmas– This song is about poverty, which is sad enough; but moreover, the song is really about a Christian tradition of religious intolerance. Hey folks, they can’t know it’s Christmas if they’re not Christians. Or rather, they can know it, but it’s irrelevant. Terrible. Preach your cult elsewhere, Bono! Release your smothering grip on international politics, David Bowie! That’s right, I’m talking to you, George Michael. I’m talking to you.

Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire– Jack Frost nipping at your nose? Nasal frostbite.

Santa Baby– Avarice, materialism, complete lack of formality when talking to a saint.

Let It Snow– Blizzard. All they have is popcorn before they die of starvation. Christ, if you live in a northern climate, can you not be more prepared? I ask you.

All I Want For Christmas Is You– The lingering threat of kidnapping right before the holidays.

Last Christmas­– is, musically, really its own tragedy. Wham, quit beating us. We’ll be good. We promise!

Up On the Housetop– Property damage.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer­- The misery of Rosacea.

The Holly and the Ivy– Rash.

Silver Bells– Rampant commercialism.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas– Gluttony and lack of manners.

12 Days of Christmas– The inability to satisfy one’s partner.

White Christmas– Racism!

It’s amazing that, through all this, we can still find the will to have ourselves a merry little whatever it is we celebrate. That being said, I hope you all can ignore the repulsive tales of yuletide gruesomeness simply blasting through your headphones this year and focus on the true message of the holidays. Love each other. And use protection. Now pass the egg nog.


The Holiday Spirit


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