Confession Session

December 30, 2010

My Confession.

I am confessing something of which I am honestly deeply ashamed and embarrassed (and there are precious few of these) in the hopes that my public contrition may bring about a better new year than this last medical and emotional sinkhole of a year. Chronic migraines—yeah you.

So, here it is. The only thing I’ve ever stolen from a store since being old enough to know better: a set of fake eyelashes. I stole fake eyelashes from a makeup store I shan’t name back when I was in college.

But at least her lashes were perfect.

Now, I should tell you—because I feel this is very important—I think stealing is deplorable. Truly, I can’t stand it. If you are my friend and with me when you steal something, I will be angry at you for a very, very long time for simply doing it in my company. I probably won’t ever go shopping with you again.

And I thought it was just as loathsome when I did it. In fact, I couldn’t wear them for 3 years after I stole them, I felt so guilty. So guilty immediately after I stole them that I wound around the store for half an hour afterward trying to think up some crazy scheme to put them back without being pinched for it. But I didn’t.

So, what prompted this minor act of terrorism against a maquillage Mecca (which, again, I shall not name)? I mean, for crying out loud, it wasn’t even anything I needed. I have eyelashes of my own. I do. They’re neat.

(Representative of my actual eyelashes)

For whatever reason, a sudden and ill-advised spontaneity seized my conscience, and I put the thing directly into my purse. From conception to action, it was about 5 seconds. Like a knee-jerk reaction to a stray thought. And then I politely purchased my three other items at the counter…

And for this inconsiderate theft, I’m truly tremendously sorry. I think about this often, actually. It was stupid, and pointless, and flatly wrong. I am not a bad person, but that is an instance of me doing a bad thing.

So, there you are. The humiliating confession of an (outwardly, at least) ethics-hound. I was a criminal too, once.

Now bring on my good new year. And a stunning New Year to all of you too, darlings!

Both of you.

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