Zodiac tragedy stems panic over birthstones

January 14, 2011



Paris Hilton is devastated

By Meg Hofer, independent reporter

(Chicago, Ill.) In related news, uproar and panic have ensued following the realization that birthstones are no longer valid in the wake of the Zodiac catastrophe. Hysterical trust-fund recipients are reportedly already returning in droves to their cosmetic surgeons to have their former birthstone gems unembedded from their buttocks and lower abdomens—a reportedly painful procedure, and unnerved sorority sisters have been flocking by the thousands to have their vajazzling corrected.

Heidi Waverly of River North tearfully explains amidst the packed waiting room of her cosmetic physician, Dr. Heister, “I just don’t understand how this can happen to me—to us, as a community or a country. I might sue. I mean, how can they not research these things before I get 14 opals embedded in my [buttocks]?”

Adds close friend Dana Samson, “Turquoise? I have always been topaz. I’m confused about…who to be. How do I interact? How do I interact with my husband? We’re no longer compatible. I haven’t even processed how to deal with that.”

Compounding the turmoil, since the news broke yesterday, scores of aggrieved socialites are reported to having been tossing their now virtually worthless lavalieres, earrings, bracelets, and broaches out into the streets, begging the question—how will our country’s Streets and Sanitation Departments keep up with all the trash?

“Please people,” states Chicago City Official Doug White, “do not throw any more jewelry out of your condo windows, into the streets or alleys. They are creating a driving hazard, a walking hazard, and those caught littering gems will be issued stern looks to the full extent of the law. We are currently in the process of organizing an emergency trash jewelry receptacle system that will be distributed door-to-door absolutely as soon as possible. Questions and concerns can be directed to my office.”

The only business seemingly not threatened by the melee is the jewelry industry, though they are expected with little doubt to be exonerated of any blame in the matter.

The grieving jewel industry


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