Wow. This video amazes me. Mainly because it is nearly indistinguishable from the scene if you were to record me sleeping on my parents’ couch just as their one of their small dogs decided to use my midsection to joyously springboard itself from the top frame of the couch to the ground. This video is exactly what it looks like, that is my precise reaction, everything. And like the video, just as I’m about to go back to sleep, the other dog lines right up to do the same thing.

To be brief, if I were a sea lion, I would totally tear the flesh off a penguin. And you can quote me on that.

Pure, Concentrated Spite and Malevolence

[Note: I do not condone the trapping and killing of penguins … if you are a human. However, if you’re an animal being badgered by a (notoriously antagonistic and scientifically-proven evil-scheming) penguin, when all you want to do is sleep—I can totally understand. Have at.]

I mean, as my darling male companion has pointed out every time we go to the zoo, look how they stand around with their arms out like that, all “What, man? You wanna come here and say that to my face? What?!”

Jerks.

“What? What? Come on, bring it!”

…Okay, truthfully I can’t keep this up forever. Penguins are actually so completely adorable, every time I look at them I explode into hearts and kittens. Their adorableness is actually their only natural defense. True story. And for those of you in the pro-penguin camp (and it must be really cold where you camp), here’s a little bone I’ll toss you after maligning their character so ruthlessly above. Prepare to melt into a puddle of cuddly cherubs and Precious Moments figurines.

There. You happy? Jeez.

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Damn. I didn’t get the dress code.

Now—despite being awash with witlessly talkative crowds of booze-sweating, open-mouthed, gum-chewing, body shot-downing, Jersey Shore-worshiping, tone-deaf, topless, hopeless, bright orange, lost-souled, salt- and lime-covered cretins—I have a totally valid and unabashedly cool reason to grace Cancun’s tourism with my humble (and clearly nonjudgmental, yes?) patronage.

I want—nay, need—to take in the Cancun Underwater Museum.

I mean, how completely amazing is this?

Where’s Waldo?

This aquamarine-saturated collection capturing stunningly graceful moments of daily life is an elaborate sculpture museum submerged off the coast of Isla de Mujeres and Cancun, Mexico.

Hmm.

Designed by master artist Jason DeCaires Taylor, these sculptures were actually all based on individual local residents of the area. Which is so amazing, it takes me from a nearly notarized, written vow of, “When I am King, I will enact a law enabling me to flatten with a giant ACME mallet any person who utters the phrases, It was totally sick, man and Cancun in the same conversation,” to an envious, “Why can’t I live there so my bodily features can be immortalized forever as an underwater spore hotel?”

I never thought I’d live to see the day. I was wrong.

Does anyone else feel splashes of rain?

Because this is just beautiful.

Yes, cancel that tuna for lunch, please.

And this image brings up a great point—I believe I would work so much better at the bottom of the ocean. Truly. I’d be so relaxed, I wouldn’t be bothered by office babble, my skin would finally stay hydrated while doing my job. True, I’d have parasites growing on my eyelids and terrifying, fishy-tailed predators weaving around my head, but what office doesn’t have its drawbacks? I mean, I currently have to put up with paper cuts and coffee spills. Underwater, both those problems—eliminated. I’m contacting HR right now.

Please bring me a Kindle for Christmas.

The finished project contains 400 of these sculptures.

Don’t cross the mob, or you’ll get what’s comin’ to ya.

I don’t know whether you’ve ever scuba-dived before. Scuba-dove? Scuba-swam in a downward motion. But it’s really a breath-taking experience if you ever get the chance to do it. (Just make sure you plan ahead, because you might not be able to do it so many days after or before a plane trip, if I remember correctly. Something having to do with the change in pressure being dangerous.)

Do Not Touch

I like the DO NOT TOUCH sculpture here. I wonder if there’s an EMERGENCY EXIT sculpture or a GIFT SHOP sculpture. NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY made out of barnacles. Or, like a giant stone map with a YOU ARE HERE sculptured arrow pointing at a cloud of fish on it.

Best pets ever.

I think the above one is my favorite of these ones.

I got nothing. These are just awesome, and completely beautiful.

Additionally, I find it fascinating how the marine life growing on these sculptures renders them living sculptures, in a way. That’s kind of deep.

Get it? Deep? Like deep sea?

You liked it.

In sum, I’m adding this to my list of things in the world I need to see once this blogging gig starts gently plucking the soft little heart strings of my readers (both of you) and I begin to receive loving cash donations in the mail with notes like, “Thanks for making me a better person through your inspiring, life-affirming blog entries.” It’ll be on the list with the Pyramids of Giza; various places in Africa where monkeys freely roam about; which leads me to think of Rome, naturally; the Parthenon; Bohemian Grove; Xanadu; that place Three Dog Night is singing about; all the worlds and lands Disney; and Tori Amos’s dinner table (but, like, invitation only. I have no current plans to come in through the bathroom window or anything).

Sorry. I lost my train of thought when naming awesome things.

Article in Chicago Tribune where most of these pictures originated from:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/travel/virtualvacation/la-trb-offbeat-cancun-underwater-museum,0,7067989.photogallery